＜心痛＞

＜心痛＞你为什么一直英魂不散、死缠烂打地缠着我？ 你离我远一点好不好？！拜托你放过我。。。

Take me away.

Do you feel that it hurts even more when you are feeling miserable yet gotta act like you are perfectly fine and happy, independent and strong? Fighting the battle alone, because nobody can help.

Is it normal to wish to be randomly stabbed by someone on the street in the middle of the night? Or to get knocked down by a speeding car while jaywalking one fine afternoon. Such are alternative suicidal thoughts because jumping down a building is not so appealing aesthetically.

Restless. Bored. Jaded. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to feel excited about. Certainly not work, not clubbing, not volunteering, not travelling...Perhaps there is, but I can't do it on my own and that's the greatest problem of all.

Life pretty much sucks right now.

烧不掉的记事本

翻开随身携带的记事本
写着许多事都是关于你
你讨厌被冷落

我看见自己写下的心情
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么

爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反复骗着我

爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
重新来过

This time last year, we opted for a simple celebration, going to the supermarket to buy the ingredients for steamboat, and salted egg crab. Twas such an unromantic conception, yet I was truly satisfied. It seemed like just yesterday. And now I'm left with wondering what you have planned for her.

Well, I'm not hurting. It is just a memory. I have an amazing memory.

However unconvincing it may sound, it really is just a Tuesday to me.

Charcoal.

I couldn't remember what I used to do during weekends, so I looked back on past posts only to see ironically, what I used to do on weekdays.

That's when I realized that things have changed because we have grown up and have to do grown up things like WORK.

I used to hang out with V and A a lot cos we were working together and had the same schedules. And A was staying really near me. But she has since moved away and we stopped meeting. I used to meet V every week for sun tanning/swimming, shopping and dinner on weekdays, but I can't now cos I'm working an office job *roll eyes*.

I used to meet Q for lunch and movies but we haven't met for God knows how long now cos she's suddenly very busy since don't know when and doesn't even have the time to read my tweets.

As for my CG clique, the girls have started working too, and the boys are busy with school, and we usually only catch up to celebrate each other's birthdays.

Then there's S who is very busy with work now too. We are tryna meet each other more often now though. I think. I think we should. Cos we r in the same boat.

J has always been crazily awfully busy with meeting up with friends, and kazillions of activities during her uni days, and she wasn't around a lot. Exchange in Shanghai, touring Europe and all. But we are making the effort to meet up more now. At least she is. (:

S baby is a freaking workaholic. She just can't stop and pace herself. So it's been a couple of months since we really hung out and catch up properly. But I won't forget how she was there for me A LOT during that period of time when I really needed it the most. I can never thank you enough for that and I love you!

Then there is my SS clique (and I don't mean secret society) who probably still doesn't know what the problem is till now. It's okay, it really is, if you wanna continue thinking this way. People don't realize what they did was wrong till someone does it to them anyway. So I understand.

I used to meet Fel almost every week to chill over hot chocolate at the airport, but had to miss a few weeks cos of my salsa classes. And she was busy with work as well. Peak period from Christmas to Chinese New Year. We are gonna tryna meet up to go to the gym. Hah.

Then there are my "uncle" friends (not to be confused as my uncle's friends) whom I'm meeting more often lately and whom are pretty sweet to me, spoiling me like a princess. :D

Last but not least, I hope I haven't left any one out, there's my office clique, but I only meet M on weekends.

So there. But that doesn't explain the difference in the way I feel then and now. Because it's not the external factors that matter but the internal.

A dream that wouldn't come true.

One of my attempts at poetry, if you can call it one...

Twelve pink tulips with long stalks, wrapped
A dainty blush on porcelain cheeks
A gift of writing encrusted with crystals
Perfect teeth, charismatic scent
The beauty of language dazzles
Into a dream that wouldn't come true
A wish that wouldn't be, too

The One That Got Away

I lied.

In my heart I still believe, we were meant to be.

I dreamt of you. Vividly. After 4 months.

Talked about our future like we had a clue.
Never planned that one day I'll be losing you.

Sometimes when I miss you, I'll put those records on.

It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.